Sometimes, I wonder, why is it so hard to be carefree… to do the things that I love.. and run after some MUSTs…

Maybe I lack the courage, maybe I am bounded by fear of the unknown… but I know there will be a time, very soon, this will also pass..

At present I am like a river flowing laboriously with lot of debris and would so like to flow quickly lightly rapidly playing around boulders before merging to the giant sea of consciousness…

And this blog just pepped me up which just made me pause and reflect AGAIN what gave me blissful joy in the most mundane manner..

Mundane is what I need right now.. rather than abstract..

What makes you smile?

A beautiful song, a lullaby, my birds, my Ma’s unintended jokes, a smile from someone, good food, a fond memory, memories and spontaniety..

What makes you lose time?

A good book, a song, conversation with close friends, walking down cobbled paths exploring new bits about a new place.. standing still by a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains, jewellery browsing, shopping, traveling.. the journey… listening to wisdom of the ancients,

What comes naturally to you?

Laughing, communicating, exercising influence, getting things done, being a woman, being me

What can’t you stop talking about?

Life, being alive, being in the moment, living in the present, beliefs, my fears and how I can overcome them.. how imperfection is the way to learn… and not wallow on it..

What are you really awesome at doing?

Anything that I love doing, the keyword here is love.. can be cooking, can be writing, can be communicating, can be counselling, can be managing, can be just being in the moment.

If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?

Write a book. Travel all over and write another book.. … and write more books..

What would you do for free because you love it so much?

Counsel women who are yet to make it…. be a coach.. teach..

If you had 12 months to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now?

Sell all my assets, travel more, meet all my friends, spend more time with my loved ones.. and slowly give away everything till I have nothing left… but the body…

Today morning while talking to my dear aunt about something which she does, inspite of knowing that its bad for her, I get the pat reply from her that : I like it… and I wont change for nuts..

Well suffice it to say, I am known to be very much like this darling aunt of mine, a package of contradictions and its scary sometimes, how I can see myself in her and her in me..

So well, a post formed in my mind.. about the bad habits I liked.. and would not give it up, knowing that I like it.. and well it is not so good for me in the long run.. .:)

So here I go.

1. Watching TV while I eat. There is something comforting about this.. cannot tell you..
2. Sleeping and reading a book without bothering for much light.
3. I love walnuts and however much I try, I just cannot stop eating them. Rocky is exasperated and is trying to get me out of it but NOPE, I keep doing it.
4. Shopping without thought, when I am stressed. Though I am limiting it to window shopping, it still has not gone out of my mind.
5. Cannot get over the fascination over desserts.. I can eat till it makes me sick and its worth it.. buhahah a!!
6. Pickles : I can get sick on tamarind and sweet and sour pickles..
7. Knowing when a situation is bad, and then actually waiting sadistically to unveil itself to prove that right and then bemoaning the very fact.. when it comes to me.. Stupid.. I know.. GAH to me
8. Extremely lazy to take up any form of exercise
9. Hates getting up early.. even though I like it once I am up
10. never takes good advice which I dole out to my friends.. for myself.. am pretty good at ignoring me..
11. And some more….

Now for the good part..

At least I know I have them, makes for a good list to get rid or to convert into a habit which helps me. So here goes the plan.. am trying to commit to adhering to it.. but its so interesting how familiarity breeds comfort every now and then, I tend to go back..

1. Have meals early and watch whatever I watch later..
2. Find a comfortable position to read.. maybe a different time helps..
3. Hide the box of walnuts in such a place so that I get reminded only once in a while.. he he .. That is working
4. Window shopping is good.. Now I treat myself to limited window shopping and maybe just maybe buy something very small to trick the mind..
5. Dont have a plan on the Desserts.. YUM.. I am already drooling.. :)
6. Have different pickles to change my tastes..
7. Well I have decided that enough is enough.. and its alright to test the self but not at the cost of cutting off my nose to spite my face.. : Plan is to plod on giving 100 percent.. even if the situation looks bad.. sigh.. I have test myself again.. on this..
8. Exercise : Got myself some videos to work with it in the evenings. .he he
9. Still hate getting up early.. NO PLAN there..
10. Listen more to self more than anyone.. it works..
11. rest Later.. I am still developing it..

And thats how we have experience..

The mind has settled down again with a deeper resolve to find that elusive sense of attaining something which keeps changing as the sun comes up and goes down.

But the mind does not relate to an empty space for a goal. Why is it always that the mind keeps reaching out for something tangible for us to live for ?

Isnt it enough that we have today and we have enough for today.

Well practically speaking, it would be silly not to plan.

But planning brings forth aspiring, aspiring leads to cherishing which leads to the build up of ego which makes sure we are always on the run.

Socially, we have to be on the mode of addition, friends, marriage, family, and all that goes with being in a society.

Professionally, its all about the elusive and often jumping the all golden ladder of reach.. which keeps us on our toes, in turn making us forget what we have today.. is actually enough..

Then if we stand still – amidst the whole ongoing of social activity chaos around us…and reach for silence, emptiness and nothingness, we find that inner peace.. but can we stay there…

It seems impossible with the buzz of the chaotic activity around one and then there is the noise of climbing ladders…

A little green patch with a tiny house with a nice garden and some animals is the dream whereas… here one is.. grappling with the reality of being still which is at the risk of being shoved as the tornado of humanity forces one to get back to the eye of that storm where all the high is… for a shirt second but yet its so thrilling… so tempting and so beckoning..

I remember when I came to the big city someone whom I respect a lot told me that I had to be aware of riding the tiger.. if you fall, you will be eaten if you dont, the stress of riding it will kill you.. its unstoppable..

Well I refused to ride the tiger.. but searching for a ride that is sedate yet and has a good view.. and can carry me well to my grave… with a smile in my face….

Surinder posted this and I thought it was good enough to post it in my blog as well.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Liked the video.

Thanks to my blogger pals who send me good thoughts on the last post.

Am going into root canal procedure tomorrow. I am shit scared to the point of wetting my pants. But I will be brave. I will smile and grunt as if I do this everyday.. Sigh.. ( no I cannot, I just want to bury my head somewhere where there is no need to have teeth.. oh why did we ever need teeth.. ?? )

Something from Nicole Kidman to keep me going.