I see you from afar and I am waiting in anticipation

It is playing hide and seek with me

It knows my weakness

it knows my strengths

It laughs at my strengths and slurps at my weakness and helplessless with a hunger that comes with fear.

I am tempted to feed it .. with my anger, vengenance, disappointment, hurt, anger, anger mostly…

Ah its waiting with open arms to swallow me whole.. and throw a minion of what is me.

A shaking quivering me which has no substance..

I see myself… as I could be..

I take a deep breath and I exhale out…

and I open up my arms… slowly…

I smile and I stretch… and I laugh now… silently but with amazing confidence..

I welcome the bitter bile of fear and jelly of helplessness

It rushes in … attempting to push me back

It rushes in rushes in… and I hold it just in time…

I say hello.. I see it puzzled…

I am not supposed to smile.. I am supposed to cower…

I pet it… I caress it… I hold its hand…

I say to it – Its OK.. its Alright..

It becomes small and a child… who needs my hand to guide it..

But thats a farce…

It tries to run behind me… and remains behind me,…

It runs ahead of me…

Attempting to grow bigger than me..

I dance with it and make it walk with me..

Once twice thrice… and a new path is formed…

After another round of push and pull…

I show its place.. its place is with me.. not ahead or behind me..

it paces with me… breaths with me…

It becomes my friend and walks with me..

I will teach it to appear when its needed, not when its not…

I know its importance… it has to know mine..

I show its purpose..  I accept its role in my life… But do not accept its rule.. I

It settles down… we breathe in together… we pace together…. we are one…

Fear… that is your place… be the cause of my strength not the cause of my sorrow…

@ Pallavi Baruah

Image via Wikipedia

Usually I keep this kind of post till the end of the year but heck I thought I should respect the swarm of events and respect the time and submit my surrender and dedication.

So I have been considering myself to be quite blessed I must say that even with all ups and downs, I have never had to step into a hospital for anything serious and I would keep praying that let that be so for as long as it takes. Oh what vanity I say I had an what a prejudiced way of looking at myself.

I always refer to my body as my temple but even as I say that I do know I give in to so many temptations of the palette and have overdone it so many times, knowing that my time will come and well when the time comes, I know I would have tasted all that was there.. without any remorse..

And by jove the time of reckoning has finally come.. and am glad in a way, its come sooner than I expected…. so that I can plan my exit better buhahahah !!! well I do want a smooth exit finally…

So where was I ? Dedication

Yeah, I dedicate 2011 to hospitals, medicines and all kinds of ailments, sprains, injuries, you name it…

So I bow down and surrender and accept that my body is a mere machine and it does start making you aware that life as I know it has to be lived with so much more awareness and thankfulness and every second is taking me closer to my final destination and the joy has to begin… with the whittling of self as I perceived it in my imagination. Not that I was unaware of it all, have been in and out of ailments but one at a time or a year but this beats it..

And I must thank the universe as it pushed me with various messages to start with it all.

So I abhor hospitals, needles, the wait , the tests, blood and the bit…

Interestingly, as you know with law of attraction, what one loves one gets and more than that what one fears also one gets..

Now, I think I have passed my examination… all that I hate have become my friends… close friends I must say

My fear of needles is gone as I get to prick myself and be pricked so many times that I welcome them as my best pals… LOL

Clinic 1 - well this is comfortable and the wait is very interesting if I take a book, find a corner to nap till my name is called. And also be like that still camera which takes in all that is going in and out.

Dalals who usher in rich shiekhs and their burkah clad wives for some or the other treatment.

A naughty child, Krishna,  who comes in with his pregnant mom and Dad. Dad has to run around behind the child. He peeps in near me and longingly looks at my phone and makes cute eyes at me just in the hope that I give him to play with it. When he is bored, he goes to the reception and starts picking up the phone there and says hello puts down the phone and then picks it up again. The father, exasperated just wants to be done with it yet has to keep him but Krishna is not in the mood to oblige.

The lab assistant, who is convincing someone on the other end of the phone why the blood tests are what it was and how she knows best.. Then preening about her knowledge to the juniors.

The receptionist who tells me that my own report is confidential .. GAWK.. I am like its my report and my body, my tests… so what is confidential about it.. and finally getting an answer that the doc will get the inside report… so that I can proceed… well thank god for small mercies..

The gentleman arguing about medical insurance… and then talking to his wife to get the papers which is missing from the cupboard and after half an hour of arguing and searching for it via the phone with the help of his wife, deciding to quit and go… in a huff since he will not get a discount..

All this while, yours truly, quietly observing and thinking.. its all temporary… and waits for her turn…

The end at one is worth it since the doc is really good.

Clinic – 2 

I get a notebook and a file. I feel like a child going back to school. Have to fill in my particulars all over again.. Do I get up in the middle of the night, do I have this, do I have that.. I do heave a relief that most of the questions are “No”.

Yet this is a tricky one.

So I wait and I wait and I wait and maybe an hour and a half later, inspite of an appointment, I get to meet this good doc, who seems to be very good. She comes highly reccomended. I notice that I have to take leave because it took up more than half of my day. I think maybe its because its my first time there.

I come back after 2 weeks and I wait and I wait and I wait and this time the wait is so long… I lose it… 2 and a half hours… and its dawning on me that this is a trend. I am not wasting another leave and reschedule and never mind the fact that I lost my way and spend another half an hour just finding the clinic which is just under the nose yet… when days are bad, they tend to be worse..

So next time I quickly adapt with some observation that some buttering and some nudging is required to get to see the doc early.. so I go in early, make sure I am there before many and finally have to wait maybe half an hour to talk to the doc..

observing myself I was going through the throes of rejection by the doc depression syndrome..  when I saw the ladies there ignoring my file since I gave all of them a piece of my mind the other day.. yet I am stoic and steady… telling myself that its all fine.. and I need patience..

Finally, the receptionist, asks me to go inside and sit. It almost brings tears to my eyes when I see the doc.. .. I never thought that getting to see the doc would bring such a relief..

Clinic 3 

I rush to this eye hospital and as instructed by Rocks, I stand in the queue fill in my forms and since I have been here before with my Dad, for his operation, I am ok with the scene. I wait and wait till my name is called. My name is called and I am taken in… and when they know I have contact lenses, they ask me to open it and wait for another half an hour.. I am like… why did you not tell me this before… I am getting pissed slowly  but I smile and i do it.

I am blind as a bat without my lenses and I curse my inability to see.. after I remove my lenses, wishing that I wore my spectacles inside.. .but I had to do this.. so I wait and read my book.. I can read without my lenses, thank God for that.. so as I am going deeper into the plot,  turning off the crowds, irate patients, etc.. and an excited Bengali patient pointing at the TV and commenting on the bear who is climbing up a pole and is stuck there.. some Animal Planet stuff and I smile at her amusement.. Humor always makes me feel good..

I get called finally by the intern and I get the sight tests done and my power is the same … so I feel another relief…

Finally I get to wait for a while before I meet the doc… the same one who operated on my dad’ s eyes and she is talking about dilating my pupils…

NOOOOOOOOO !!! I realise my folly. I have driven by myself and I have to go cook for Dad and with Dilation, I will be stuck for like another 5 hours without anyone to drive me back….

this after 3 hours.. I tell the doc my predicament and reschedule.. which I have not met out of sheer unwillingness to get into the hospital again..

Clinic 4

I sprain my wrist picking up some heavy vegetable bags and walking through smelly slushy vegetable market…. YUCK I so hate it.

And wake up to an excruciating pain… knowing that I have to go to the hospital YET AGAIN.. And I am not able to move it at all. I fear something is broken as the pain is unbelievable..

I expect something similar, wait, wait then do some tests then wait…

BUT VIOLA !!! I must say this was a smoothie.. and it made me happy.. I sailed into emergency, got an attendant Geeta who bless her soul, took me very speedily to the X RAY dept and got me quickly to the attending ortho.. and in a jiffy I have a splint and me feeling much better..

Clinic 5 

Since I was having a good day, I decide to go to my favorite Dentist.. I had a broken tooth.. but was scared that I had to do another root canal which was like I did not want to revisit until sometime… but the result was just another filling and some clean up..

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Points to ponder 

• i would really like to thank the souls who have been very encouraging via emails, via chat, via just one word…… who have been consistently showing me the positives even when I fell through the cracks of helplessness.. but it helped to ever hear the encouraging nudge and to keep at my belief that all things are temporary and it all has a positive result at the end of the day.. 
• I know even though I like to think I am strong but I hate being sick and words of encouragement really helps me go the extra mile. 
• Rocks has been my pillar and could not have done without him.. muaaahhh to you… 
• its always nice to share, am not one to share my downs… except with the very few.. but that very few made my day… its nice to share.. without prejudice…  
• It has pushed me to live more consciously and welcome this with lot of acceptance and the will to live free of this.. at the same time.. some Huna here and some positive visualisation here.. helps me go forward.. 
• Because of this, the sloth in me has disappeared completely and its not me but my small family who are getting fitter with me.. 
• Morning walks with Dad and Rocks is the best time of the day.. Walks, meditation, ground me and keeps me light… I love the bonding time. 
• Food is still a favorite but I eat with more awareness.. I gorged on the beautiful bday cake and I am ok… buhhahaa !!! 
• My food preferences have changed for the better… 
• And my reading has picked up speed. I finished 4 books this whole period.. and 2 more to go… The best part of this is that its reconnected me to the world of words and stories which I so love.. 
• I am glad for the whole experience since its with prevention, that I will know how to lead a good life.. and then have a smooth death.. ( remembering mom here ) 
• And I remember all my friends who were fighting some battle of the body/health in some way or the other and appreciate their resilience and patience and the perseverance. All their thoughts make my experience very inconsequential and I am humbled… and even though I have always respected their stand and have supported them, I do so even more now…  I pray for them even more now… its an immensely internal experience and it needs lot of fortitude.. 
• its a phase we all have to go through… and how we do it matters, what lessons we learn matters, because there is a lesson in all experience.. patience, tolerance, the whole bit…  
• I am so glad now that I got to do all this now… when my bones are still holding me up… ( touch wood !!! ) so though I am not looking for more,… have enough to deal with on my plate, I would say, that if I can breathe smoothly, sleep peacefully, and eat with care, I am going to be ok for now…
• I know not what the future brings but I know, the present is what I need to take care… moment to moment to moment  

China : I was amazed by the growth in that country, and the landscape was something that amazed me. Work was hard and the weather was cold.. but well the food was awesome. That kind of compensated for the rest.. If Shenzhen was a hip hop city where it seemed like the next Silicon Valley after Bangalore, Nanjing was old old town and spending a weekend there boating in Xuanwu Lake, Walking the streets of Fujimao eating sumptous caramalised fruits on sticks was fun. Fujimao during the Lantern Festival was all alight, our version of Diwali, you could say.. loads of lights. This is also a nice place to buy traditional knick knacks, glass art, etc..

I left The Great Wall of China tour for the next visit. I must thank my team members who were kind enough to take me around.

We had some fun times.. due to the language barrier.. For example we asked the cab to take us to point A and took us to POint Z driving for a long long time through tunnels, and streets and finally reaching Z which sounded like point A. GAH… Hahahah !! Nanjing has lots to explore if one has time. Weather is like Delhi I guess.. extreme cold and extreme heat.

A solo trip to Nngong Ping Village to visit the Giant Buddha was very relaxing and very spiritual.. I think that would be the highlight of my visit. Honk Kong reminded me of New York, all buzzzzzz… And tall tall buildings.. I can get lost.. no give me the mountains and blue blue skies anyday. Tai O Fishing village reminded me of  North East.

In fact most of the sights and sounds reminded me of the North East. Similar Landscape, similar food, and well similar faces..

I saw all types of Duck there.. Seems to be the specialty there. Whole Ducks, Duck Necks, Duck parts Duck this and that..

I loved eating Dragon Fruit among the things that were offered to me and Chinese Vegetarian is extremely fulfilling and tasty. You should just know what to order. Trick is to go with the pictures… and you will pretty much get it 9 out of 10

Ashtamudi : Was a lovely experience to chill and relax in the Club Mahindra Resort. A world outside a world.. If you are looking for doing nothing but just chilling out in an “expensive” way, this could be it.. LOL. More here. (Link coming soon)

Assam : Finished the one year rituals for Mom. It went of peacefully. The relatives who make noise for nothing were not there so well, it was very well timed and quiet. I was happy, Dad was happy and I bet Ma was also happy.  Being there, it keeps coming back to me of how far I am from home and how quickly the elder generation is getting older. So tempted to go back… and be with them.. at this stage.. cannot think of uprooting them at this stage… am so torn… forces me to think every moment, right now, what is it that is keeping me here in Bangalore.. I am not so motivated… right now.. the motivation is leaning towards home.. but the only motivation that remains from Assam is the economic one.. what will I do there ? Sigh… Still on my mind… and will be till I figure it out…

Assam, the place I am always trying to come back to. Somehow, no matter time seems to move in the opposite direction when I am here.

Coming home to an almost empty home. This time I was not welcomed by the well known voice of my Ma smiling and urging me in. This time it was just her essence I walked into.

One year, it has flown past with the blink of an eye but very heavily. I sit very soon to do the one year rites and complete the mourning process as per the books.

So I unconditionally accept that I am moving on, make the best of what I have or do not have and no matter what I will live well with strength and peace.

So the heavy bit apart, am living moment to moment by distracting myself with some impromptu travel, trips, some service, some reading. It gladdens the heart always to be among family who gather me into their circle.

I keep thinking is all of this running around …. Is it worth it ? So many miles apart struggling … Living so far…. Aging parents both living and not asking for much. Is all the so called good life worth it ??

Its been a period of waits the past few months..

Waiting for my Whitefeather to come back from the service center.. the accident happened on Oct 2010. Today Whitefeather went for its first test drive and the very sound of the engine was like smooth scotch.. I could imagine it smiling to say hello when I heard this.. Atta Boy !! I am so eagerly waiting for you.. Come back  soon..

Now we have to get the Chassis number from the RTO which would have happened in a day if we coughed up 10,000/-  as bribe but we decided not to do this.. So the wait again..Its difficult to get things done without bribery.

Also Mahindra has been helpful and is also replacing our brakes with some modified brakes.. because of the escalation Rocks took up..So we are now satisfied with the customer service.. and the quick response

And we have got  Bridgestone Tyres as replacement to the damaged tyres finally. Apollo sucks.. Planning to change the other two tyres as well.. later..

So now we wait… car is ready.. but we have to wait till RTO deigns it ok to give us our number.. Sigh.. so near yet so far..

I do not want to sound morbid bykeeping on posting about death but I want to convey that an end also means another beginning. And yet again, the journey is what matters.

It  has been proven to me time and again, that the best laid plans do not happen if events are meant to have a different path rather than the one planned. So it was with our long  planned holiday plans. Something more powerful was at work and well, it just did not stop us from traveling but it totally took away our most loved element, our Whitefeather. Accidents are either fortunate or unfortunate… in terms of causalties but I would say that Oct 30th was the most fortunate day of our lives as we escaped a bad incident on the highway. Fortunate because everything that followed lead up to close the aftemath of the incident very smoothly with very helpful people and services.

For that I know I am extremely grateful. In fact, I have been and always will be grateful for every moment that I breathe. I know its luck on loan. And I hope this lasts. No dear Lord, I am not tempting fate, just letting you know how much I need you every moment in my life..

Yesterday, I had to pray for another little soul who was struggling with a weak heart. And its has been a very slow and painful journey for the family.

When an event stretches and overlaps events which keeps testing us, I wonder when the tide will shift. I spent this whole week re-reading the Mahabharata – ( Devdutt’s version – Jaya,An Illustrated Retelling of the Mahabharata) and it kind of grounded me with some thoughts that no matter what, sometimes we need not question why events happen. It has to happen for because there is some reason and we have to pass through it whether we are willing to or not. And yes in some way or other I take responsibility for the events that pass by.

There are some lines which have made me think : (Excerpts from Krishna’s discourse to Arjuna)

The flesh exists to direct you to the soul. For the flesh enables you to experience all things temporary – your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions. The world  around it is temporary. The body itself is temporary. Eventually, disappointed of all things temporary, you will seek permanence and eventually discover the soul. You grieve for the flesh now Arjuna, without even realizing the reason it exists.

Your ego clings to things that grant it maximum comfort. The purpose of life then becomes the pursuit of comfort generating states, the shunning of fear generating states.

The external world is like the flesh, by nature transient and ever changing. Governed by the laws of space and time. It fluctuates between three states : Inertia, agitation and harmony. No matter how hard you try, Arjuna, the ones you love will die, either on the battlefield or in the palace, all things you shun and disapprove will come to your life, again and again. War and peace will alternate like joy and sorrow, summer and winter, flood and drought.

Changes in material world are not random. They are essentially reactions of past actions. No event is spontaneous; it is the result of many past events. This is Karma. The events in your life are the result of your past deeds, performed in this lifetime or the ones before. You alone are responsible for it. Such is the law of Karma.

Have faith in the existence of the soul. Accept that nothing happens without a reason. Accept that all experiences have a purpose.

So well, so many events are passing by and most of it is not pleasant and is full of aspects that one does not want to ever know or would like to associate with and yet here I am… waiting patiently (the ego slowly getting frustrated, the soul KNOWS that I have to be here.. in this moment for a reason)  And I am waiting for the winds of change.. the sparkle of the lights and fireworks… to bring forth some semblance of change accepting that the change is also temporary, yet the events that make the soul happy is definitely something to look forward to if I have accepted the state of inertia….w ith a lot of faith… and hope that things will turn around for all the souls who are going through a difficult time..

Durga Puja is a time, which I always look forward to. Its a time which I associate to get back to my roots and generally always feel happy to be with the divine mother.. I can spend hours sitting looking at her beautiful face and swinging inside to the Dha (drums) but this year, I am missing out on Puja as I am still in mourning and just when I thought that I would be ok,  I was blasted with little memories of  Ma and Durga Puja and my heart broke.

I remember Ma being very involved in Puja. Right from Mahalaya, she would make sure I got up early and we would hear the Chandi Path over the radio and welcome the day with devotion. Then, as she would go about her daily routine chores, she would tell me stories of Parvathi and Shiv and how Durga would come to visit her parents place and the story behind it.

All the activities associated with Pujo, shopping, offerings for  the Devi and  till the last day, it would be my mother’s time. Me and my Dad and my aunts would just follow her instructions.  Dad being a non idol worshipper would support her and make it happy time for her. Special dishes would be prepared at home till the time she was active in the kitchen..

So many memories, so many impressions, so many conversations, the past few days have been a tough walk down memory lane and specially feeling the void since she is being missed a lot, as she always initiated the puja spirit. And it  was as if we rode the wave of her devotion.

Its like a movie for me, every moment passing by in frames and when the movie ends, the void that leaves behind is so vast that I keep sinking into it… without much hope of getting out of it..

Guess thats natural and another human condition… and its diffcult.. so much so that I am wishing the Pujo passes by soon…in a blink..

I thought writing down would help me out a bit and hence this blog post…

I also believe, I have to be in this experience as its part of the grieving process… and its not something I can run away from.. so here I am… swimming, reaching out.. to the shore… and knowing she is there right beside me… smiling.. and prodding me on… telling me that its ok… its fine…its part of living.. its part of Maya.. its part of growing…..

Today’s thought :

Friendship is not about how much we care when we are together, its about how much we care when we are apart

I have to say goodbye to one of my closest friend. And though at the very outset, I feel so happy she is migrating for something good… which I always thought she could realize, it still is tearing me apart from inside to feel the physical loss of someone with whom I connected so fast and had so many life experiences together..

Right from the day, she joined work as an intern, we had lots of laughs and from coffee pals, we became connected at some level.. a comfort zone was established..

I used to take some time to make close friends. In nature we are opposites but S and I would have tons to talk about and well, the bond grew.

I remember S not wanting to work at all and had this habit of coming in late.. no matter what, her timing was very leisurely and till date, if she gives me a time, I always add half an hour to it and we always have a laugh about it, me devlishly and she sheepishly.

I remember us brainstorming together on what career she should take up. And after some ideas, we found that she liked to bake the most.. And yeah she used to bake some heavenly chocolate cake.  And slowly but surely, she trained in baking and built a business on her own, a very flourishing one I would say… she never lets me forget the fact that I finished her whole cake along with another friend.. which she had got for the whole office.. what can I say ? it was plain chocolate cake but it was heaven.. . I am the biggest fan of her bakes..

We did not meet everyday but once or twice a month sometimes more infrequently.. sometimes, we would ping each other at the same time.. and the bond was stronger than ever..

I changed jobs, she grew her business, and in that path, I also introduced her to the spiritual path that I walk.. and she also found her path.. and we walked… we walked… we shared.. and scaled challenging heights in our personal fronts always leaning towards each other.. at crucial points..encouraging each other.. to buckle up.. and no matter what, we always had and still have inexplicable faith in our Buddha nature.. I would say, it transcends our bodies and connects to lives we have led and the understanding that we have established over eons..

The best is that we could be our worst and darkest with each other… still giving each other the push that its ok to be dark,but its important to come out of it with lot of strength and determination not forgetting what we believed about our very reason for existence.No judgements there..

We had a ritual… that every birthday we will meet each other no matter what.., shower each other with silly gifts and have some us time… no matter what.. and make each other feel special.. I will always remember her going to pains to choose a card and then writing lots of thoughts on it.. I treasure each thought that was sent to me.. every year..  and I did the same since we both knew what it meant to personalise the card with one’s thoughts.. and well wishes..Oh how I will miss that.. !! and yes I would always get a cake customized to my wishes.. and since I loved blueberry cheese cake, she would indulge me with that as well every now and then…

I saw her going from a non vegeterian to vegeterian.. and I kept ranting and tempting her with non veg delicacies and out of love she would give in and very soon, I would turn vegeterian when I was with her..

Her marriage came and went and she crossed over from being this free and fancy girl into a beautiful woman and throughout it all, she maintained the quality time with me..

Now the relationship matured.. and it has been beautiful seeing her grow her wings.. and though she does not want to admit it, I see her flying so high..

I will miss the impromtu calls which would lead to endless coffee sessions… and loads of soul searching and finding answers… and balance.. be it bitchiness, be it serious mistakes, tragedy, comedy, broken relationships, marital dramas, hubby understanding, and all that we call life..

I will treasure the fact that whenever I would feel low, she was always there to pick me up, unconditionally and I tried the same with her..

At a humorous note, I sometimes have the urge to see movies, which have no brains.. and she would loyally tag with me to those movies… she would curse me but she would come along.. Muaahhh I loved her for that..

And the most beautiful part of her is her generosity and her art of giving.. which keeps humbling me.. and also taught me the art of receiving… she keeps telling me.. that I know how to give and I know not how to receive.. and yeah I am learning..

She is someone who has also kept me honest.. to myself and to us.. when the ego wanted to blame, she showed that to me… and I always looked forward to interact with her have my ego destroyed lovingly..

So many good memories.. so many layers .. of what we can easily label as the inevitable human condition and yet this is what we need at some level or other to be ourselves.. to be connected.. to some soul mate.. who brings balance into our lives .. and yes soul mates need not be just spouses… I see a soul mate in my friend..

And I will so miss her presence..I think I could just skim the surface of my emotions in the attempt of writing this.. I have not done justice to it..

I feel incredibly blessed that I have known her and I do hope to keep this stream till my last breath.. the world has become very small..

I have immense happiness and immense sadness at the same time, and I am ok with it.. and yes emotions have been running like waves.. inside me… always does when I have to uproot rooted connections.. and let it out of my space of existence..

Yet another example of impermanence.. and life moves on..with purpose… and hope that this also sits well with me..