Life « Point of Reflection

Dedication

by Pallavi Baruah

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Usually I keep this kind of post till the end of the year but heck I thought I should respect the swarm of events and respect the time and submit my surrender and dedication.

So I have been considering myself to be quite blessed I must say that even with all ups and downs, I have never had to step into a hospital for anything serious and I would keep praying that let that be so for as long as it takes. Oh what vanity I say I had an what a prejudiced way of looking at myself.

I always refer to my body as my temple but even as I say that I do know I give in to so many temptations of the palette and have overdone it so many times, knowing that my time will come and well when the time comes, I know I would have tasted all that was there.. without any remorse..

And by jove the time of reckoning has finally come.. and am glad in a way, its come sooner than I expected…. so that I can plan my exit better buhahahah !!! well I do want a smooth exit finally…

So where was I ? Dedication

Yeah, I dedicate 2011 to hospitals, medicines and all kinds of ailments, sprains, injuries, you name it…

So I bow down and surrender and accept that my body is a mere machine and it does start making you aware that life as I know it has to be lived with so much more awareness and thankfulness and every second is taking me closer to my final destination and the joy has to begin… with the whittling of self as I perceived it in my imagination. Not that I was unaware of it all, have been in and out of ailments but one at a time or a year but this beats it..

And I must thank the universe as it pushed me with various messages to start with it all.

So I abhor hospitals, needles, the wait , the tests, blood and the bit…

Interestingly, as you know with law of attraction, what one loves one gets and more than that what one fears also one gets..

Now, I think I have passed my examination… all that I hate have become my friends… close friends I must say

My fear of needles is gone as I get to prick myself and be pricked so many times that I welcome them as my best pals… LOL

Clinic 1 - well this is comfortable and the wait is very interesting if I take a book, find a corner to nap till my name is called. And also be like that still camera which takes in all that is going in and out.

Dalals who usher in rich shiekhs and their burkah clad wives for some or the other treatment.

A naughty child, Krishna, who comes in with his pregnant mom and Dad. Dad has to run around behind the child. He peeps in near me and longingly looks at my phone and makes cute eyes at me just in the hope that I give him to play with it. When he is bored, he goes to the reception and starts picking up the phone there and says hello puts down the phone and then picks it up again. The father, exasperated just wants to be done with it yet has to keep him but Krishna is not in the mood to oblige.

The lab assistant, who is convincing someone on the other end of the phone why the blood tests are what it was and how she knows best.. Then preening about her knowledge to the juniors.

The receptionist who tells me that my own report is confidential .. GAWK.. I am like its my report and my body, my tests… so what is confidential about it.. and finally getting an answer that the doc will get the inside report… so that I can proceed… well thank god for small mercies..

The gentleman arguing about medical insurance… and then talking to his wife to get the papers which is missing from the cupboard and after half an hour of arguing and searching for it via the phone with the help of his wife, deciding to quit and go… in a huff since he will not get a discount..

All this while, yours truly, quietly observing and thinking.. its all temporary… and waits for her turn…

The end at one is worth it since the doc is really good.

Clinic – 2

I get a notebook and a file. I feel like a child going back to school. Have to fill in my particulars all over again.. Do I get up in the middle of the night, do I have this, do I have that.. I do heave a relief that most of the questions are “No”.

Yet this is a tricky one.

So I wait and I wait and I wait and maybe an hour and a half later, inspite of an appointment, I get to meet this good doc, who seems to be very good. She comes highly reccomended. I notice that I have to take leave because it took up more than half of my day. I think maybe its because its my first time there.

I come back after 2 weeks and I wait and I wait and I wait and this time the wait is so long… I lose it… 2 and a half hours… and its dawning on me that this is a trend. I am not wasting another leave and reschedule and never mind the fact that I lost my way and spend another half an hour just finding the clinic which is just under the nose yet… when days are bad, they tend to be worse..

So next time I quickly adapt with some observation that some buttering and some nudging is required to get to see the doc early.. so I go in early, make sure I am there before many and finally have to wait maybe half an hour to talk to the doc..

observing myself I was going through the throes of rejection by the doc depression syndrome.. when I saw the ladies there ignoring my file since I gave all of them a piece of my mind the other day.. yet I am stoic and steady… telling myself that its all fine.. and I need patience..

Finally, the receptionist, asks me to go inside and sit. It almost brings tears to my eyes when I see the doc.. .. I never thought that getting to see the doc would bring such a relief..

Clinic 3

I rush to this eye hospital and as instructed by Rocks, I stand in the queue fill in my forms and since I have been here before with my Dad, for his operation, I am ok with the scene. I wait and wait till my name is called. My name is called and I am taken in… and when they know I have contact lenses, they ask me to open it and wait for another half an hour.. I am like… why did you not tell me this before… I am getting pissed slowly but I smile and i do it.

I am blind as a bat without my lenses and I curse my inability to see.. after I remove my lenses, wishing that I wore my spectacles inside.. .but I had to do this.. so I wait and read my book.. I can read without my lenses, thank God for that.. so as I am going deeper into the plot, turning off the crowds, irate patients, etc.. and an excited Bengali patient pointing at the TV and commenting on the bear who is climbing up a pole and is stuck there.. some Animal Planet stuff and I smile at her amusement.. Humor always makes me feel good..

I get called finally by the intern and I get the sight tests done and my power is the same … so I feel another relief…

Finally I get to wait for a while before I meet the doc… the same one who operated on my dad’ s eyes and she is talking about dilating my pupils…

NOOOOOOOOO !!! I realise my folly. I have driven by myself and I have to go cook for Dad and with Dilation, I will be stuck for like another 5 hours without anyone to drive me back….

this after 3 hours.. I tell the doc my predicament and reschedule.. which I have not met out of sheer unwillingness to get into the hospital again..

Clinic 4

I sprain my wrist picking up some heavy vegetable bags and walking through smelly slushy vegetable market…. YUCK I so hate it.

And wake up to an excruciating pain… knowing that I have to go to the hospital YET AGAIN.. And I am not able to move it at all. I fear something is broken as the pain is unbelievable..

I expect something similar, wait, wait then do some tests then wait…

BUT VIOLA !!! I must say this was a smoothie.. and it made me happy.. I sailed into emergency, got an attendant Geeta who bless her soul, took me very speedily to the X RAY dept and got me quickly to the attending ortho.. and in a jiffy I have a splint and me feeling much better..

Clinic 5

Since I was having a good day, I decide to go to my favorite Dentist.. I had a broken tooth.. but was scared that I had to do another root canal which was like I did not want to revisit until sometime… but the result was just another filling and some clean up..

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Points to ponder

i would really like to thank the souls who have been very encouraging via emails, via chat, via just one word…… who have been consistently showing me the positives even when I fell through the cracks of helplessness.. but it helped to ever hear the encouraging nudge and to keep at my belief that all things are temporary and it all has a positive result at the end of the day..
I know even though I like to think I am strong but I hate being sick and words of encouragement really helps me go the extra mile.
Rocks has been my pillar and could not have done without him.. muaaahhh to you…
its always nice to share, am not one to share my downs… except with the very few.. but that very few made my day… its nice to share.. without prejudice…
It has pushed me to live more consciously and welcome this with lot of acceptance and the will to live free of this.. at the same time.. some Huna here and some positive visualisation here.. helps me go forward..
Because of this, the sloth in me has disappeared completely and its not me but my small family who are getting fitter with me..
Morning walks with Dad and Rocks is the best time of the day.. Walks, meditation, ground me and keeps me light… I love the bonding time.
Food is still a favorite but I eat with more awareness.. I gorged on the beautiful bday cake and I am ok… buhhahaa !!!
My food preferences have changed for the better…
And my reading has picked up speed. I finished 4 books this whole period.. and 2 more to go… The best part of this is that its reconnected me to the world of words and stories which I so love..
I am glad for the whole experience since its with prevention, that I will know how to lead a good life.. and then have a smooth death.. ( remembering mom here )
And I remember all my friends who were fighting some battle of the body/health in some way or the other and appreciate their resilience and patience and the perseverance. All their thoughts make my experience very inconsequential and I am humbled… and even though I have always respected their stand and have supported them, I do so even more now… I pray for them even more now… its an immensely internal experience and it needs lot of fortitude..
its a phase we all have to go through… and how we do it matters, what lessons we learn matters, because there is a lesson in all experience.. patience, tolerance, the whole bit…
I am so glad now that I got to do all this now… when my bones are still holding me up… ( touch wood !!! ) so though I am not looking for more,… have enough to deal with on my plate, I would say, that if I can breathe smoothly, sleep peacefully, and eat with care, I am going to be ok for now…
I know not what the future brings but I know, the present is what I need to take care… moment to moment to moment

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Thank You

by Pallavi Baruah

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Today I felt like writing a Thank You post. I have read and experienced that when one goes through acute situations in life where one is tested from all aspects be it work, daily routine, people interaction, decision making and so on and basically having a hot date with Mr Murphy who does not want to let you go.. .:) it is very good to just count the blessings that one has rather than keeping thinking what one lacks or what could have been. It always helps bringing in a shift in perspective..

So I thought, besides keeping an objective and almost clinical approach to close my items one by one, I would also like to spend some moment being thankful for what I have.

Thank you for showing that it is important to appreciate your co-workers at the right moment.

Thank you for giving me the clarity to take some tough decisions and stick by it no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Thank you for enabling me to focus on what needs to be done NOW and then move on.

Thank you for enabling me to tolerate nonsense at its lowest level.

Thank You for opening another door for me when one closes its entry and exit options.

Thank you for enabling me to be compassionate towards infinite stupidity and accept the fact that every behaivor has a positive intention.

Thank you for letting me be human enough to understand that I can be wrong about managing my finances and enabling me to make plans for the better.

Thank you for having me open to many options.

Thank you for making S very happy with the good news that she shared with me. I am so thrilled for her, I can swim in the seeds of joy she shares with me. Wish I was with her.. to hug her.. tight and see her grow into another phase.

Thank for my other friends’ happiness from their journeys outside and in. M and A you are in my thoughts always.. and I am happy to see you happy.

Thank you for giving me the resources in the form of mentors or messages which guide me towards the right direction.

Thank you for the bright garden which is blooming in frenzy all up to grow fast and providing nutrition.

A special thank you for the pink rose plant who is so happy blooming in so many buds so fast that it automatically makes be joyful with its beauty every morning.

Thank you for warming my face with your rays, dear Sun. I love to wake up to your serene rays. I do miss your journey, from one end to another which I always looked forward to.. due the many apartments, but I still can spy you and can bask in your light. It enlivens me so…

Thank you dear rains for bringing in the monsoon steadily and not flooding my basement… its been a good couple of rainy days where I can freely enjoy the pitter patter.

Thank you for so many dear friends who connect to me fleetingly or just by a wave.. an online “like”, a message, a comment, its warms me so much..

Thank you for making me wake up with hope that I am getting better and better at everything I do with every moment.

Thank you for letting me live in compassion, with just the right amount for everyone who needs it.

Thank you for not letting me bawl like an emotional idiot when I have had the urge to.

Thank you for having my Dad remember my Mom through my way of living. Its as if, subconsciously, he sees some of Mom’s qualities in me and that gives him a comfort level. I am humbled when he says I am like my mom. And here I was, thinking I am different as apple to orange when it came to my mom. I was so wrong and I wear the reference to my mom with me with quiet pride. If it makes him smile, I am living my purpose.

Thank you for looking after R who is going through bone cancer recovery and the news is not that great. I am thanking you in advance for taking care of her. Nothing doing, you have to take care of this soul.. she has suffered enough.. give her life.. and happiness.. she deserves it too…

You give me hope, you give me life, you give me breath, I thank you being there with me… always.. ever more, I know I am not going to lose touch with you ever… ..

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Be in the moment – Its lighter

by Pallavi Baruah

Autobiography in Five short chapters – Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find my way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… It’s a habit…but
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.

It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

@ excerpt from Serge Kahili’s book I am reading…

This is a beautiful way to remember to be aware of the present and if you are aware of the experiences you are having NOW, you can actually live the moment lighter and with the right perspective that is needed for you at this moment.

We get so caught up with what was in the past and what will happen in the future and that seems sometimes so much like a heavy burden to bear. The present is so much lighter.. and so much more filled with possibilities.

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Birthday Moments

by Pallavi Baruah

Well, I could not come up with a better name than that.
Birthdays, a time which I consider a very private and special moment meant to share with Special people and I am glad that group is getting larger slowly. It means that I have learnt to receive many blessings of moments from others.

I missed S who has migrated to the US. We had formed a tiny ritual of always meeting on our bdays and showering each other with not one but many silly gifts. Its not about the gifts but the love with which both of us took the pain to get for each other and both of us would find something special which we always wanted.. I have not found that in any other friend but then we are kindred spirits … yes we are… so well, she not to be outdone by distance like me, made it a point to make her presence known via online gifting service, who called me several times….

From the signal opposite my workplace, 3 times,asking me to come and collect the gift, leading me to a wrong place to collect it and then finally having me give up and asking him to come over to the 5th floor at work.. GAH..

When I saw what he got, I immediately knew it was none other than S.

Well, bless you !! I never missed you more… but I could feel your love all the way from Dulles.

Yeah the card with lot of writing is pending.. She always makes it a point to give me a card writing out her thoughts which I have kept across the years… And yeah I do the same, even when I am lazy, she makes sure I do the same… since I also like it that way..

So S, I really was warmed by your touching me from so far across.. with cakes,flowers, gifts, teddy bear.

A and family, I thank you for your cakes and flowers as well… Love to the little one.. I remember you doing your bit to cheer me up last time in Old Magazine House as well.. appreciated that.

So as I am driving from one office to another, bliss in my mind, generally happy, I take a uturn and there is this young somewhat goodlookin cop who stops me and shows me the No Uturn board. Sigh.. ‘

I had an empty wallet and when he asked me to pay up, I said I did not have money. He did not believe me and out came the Inspector from a funny hiding place between two posts. I waited. This was a typical fight or flight situation. I decided I will do neither and settled in for inquisition and negotiation.

Deep breath In : Deep Breath Out and with the best helpless yet positive and honest smile that I could manage, I greeted the Inspector.

Inspector (mumbling) : So Madam !! you see you have to pay 100/-

Me (showing him an empty wallet) : Look Sir, no money. Do you have a swiping machine via which I could pay ?

Inspector (looks at me weirdly) : No machine but you have to pay 100/-

Me (again showing him an empty wallet) : its the end of the month and I really have not gone to the ATM to get cash. Look sir, I am not lying. ( all the time smiling sheepishly)

Inspector (scratches his head): He peers into my car and sees that my car does not have any elements he can flick. ( I keep my car pretty functional without any knick knacks. ) He peers out and peers in again.

Madam : Give me your license. !

Me : I give him my license. Sir, today is my birthday and I am on my way to the office. You see roses and sweets..

Inspector : Smiles . OK OK…. So Madam, where are you from. Pallavi Bhaskara. (Ok I have been called Bwawa, Baruca, Brawa, but well, yet another version of my title Bhaskara for Baruah : And my ID is bold and big for them to read)

Me : I am from here. ( it was on the tip of my tongue to correct him but what the heck !! I played along)

Inspector : Where is Bhaskara working ?

Me : Bhaskara is working here.

Inspector : (Pause) So…… you a Mallu.( my Mallu friends were teasing me that maybe Mallus are damn care drivers, so the assumption)

Me (without blinking my eye) : No I am a Kannadiga and Bhaskara is also a Kannadiga.

Inspector : Good good. Ok Madam you have to give 100/-

Me (tapping inside my brain for patience) : Sir, I have flowers , please take them. I dont have money right now. ( I give him the flowers)

Inspector (jumping back) : No No !! ( well it was just flowers.. !! :O ) then another Pause… peers again inside the car. Ok Madam !! give me your phone number .

Me ( hesitant and tempted to give a wrong number but does not) : I give him my phone number. He immediately calls up and my phone rings. He looks to verify. That saves me. If I had given the wrong number, it would have worsened my case.

Inspector Ok Madam, I will call you.

Me What is your name Sir ? 909283283 is your number ?

Inspector Wait Madam, you are too fast. Yes thats my number and my name is Manjunatha.

Me Ok Manjunath, please call me and come by and pick up your 100/-

Inspector yes madam, I will call you..

Me : I start my car and they suddenly become very enthusiastic and wish me loudly

HAPPY NEW YEAR HAPPY NEW YEAR …HAPPY BIRTHDAY !! ( Happy new Year ???? )

I drive off with a smile interested to see what will happen next…..

2 days Later : I get a call from this cop. Madam, I want to meet you ( I was like : Well thats a good start) I ask him if he wants the money. He says yes. I tell him that my Husband and my father were waiting to give him the money and call him to a particular landmark. He reaches the Landmark and does not come further. I tell him to come by so many times, but he wants me to meet him. In that pull and push conversation, I tell him to come to my office the next day.

I think he got scared when he heard my husband and father were waiting for him. Funny how some lines can mean a threat even without meaning to.

Well, I am still waiting with 100/- and waiting for him to call.

If he is smart, he will realise that to get that 100/- he is having to spend more than that.. LOLOL.. Poor guy..

Depends, how much 100/- means to him..

Moral of the Story : Honesty and flowers helped me get away without any guilt. So it pays..

Baruah Chronicles Blog Humor

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Who moved my fish – the mystery is on

by Pallavi Baruah

Well, this bugger has been co-existing with me for a while.. he has been the object of my clicks as well . He has been living with me along with different species of pigeons, partridge, kites, crows and occasionally a majestic hawk who likes to perch on my veranda railing to overlook prey.

Not to mention the dog Ramu, who belongs to the neighbor nearby, who thinks its his right to treasure hunt the packets of rubbish kept outside in the night. And throw it all around.. after playing with the smelly junk.

Now during the day, this little bugger is a daily visitor.

After we have started gardening greens and different forms of plants, and Dad does his organic bit by saving up on vegetable peels to use them for the plants, its been a feast for the little critter. He even is not letting the greens grow in peace.. sigh…

Somehow, there is this young tree which has been growing like nobody’s business, near my veranda and its a very convenient hop skip and jump to my place.. to eat, forage and go. Rocky usually defrosts the fish in the sun.. Dont ask me why.. he says its faster..

So typically, he was planning to cook something special and left the fishes defrosting in the veranda and forgot about it …

Well after a while, Rocks comes and sees that instead of X pieces of fish, there was only one..

So logically, this lovable critter is a vegeterian… but nowadays, animals in the city eat anything edible and I am not averse to thinking that this was an experimental, exotic dish.

The other suspect are the predatory feather friends… who visit me on and off and who like fish..Crows, kites, hawks, the mystery continues.. till we catch it red handed..

Somebody today had a very good day..

Reminds me of another time, when a dog stole a kilo of mutton right under our nose near Fanoos while we were paying for our kababs… Hahahah !!

And its moments like that lightens up my life..

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