Yeah and pigs would fly… the reality is that when too many things are happening we do not even realize how time flies… good or bad…

So anyway, in between I would like to take some food pauses… which kind of freezes some delicious moments..

Sometime, back, I thought that I was spending so much amazing time on the road, I must have been a truck driver in my past life.. LOL..

Now I spend whatever little free time watching food shows… and well, I am now thinking maybe in my future life, I would like to be a chef.. hahahah

So anyway, with Dad and Rocks here, I kind of did not bother to go to the fish market.. but Rocks and my tastes are quite the opposite when it comes to fish. Dad is like me, he will get the exotic and the routine, mixed.. and the pieces are good size..

Now why does the size matter here… I dont know maybe I am fan of fish and I like to have my fish big when I eat.. maybe its a bong thing.. I dont know.. but well my big and Rocky’s definition of big is way different.  :)

So off I went and today after a long time, got Boal fish..

Well, us living so far apart from home, we have kind of lost the seasonal delicacies which used to be cooked in the kitchen by mom and aunts. Boal, Ilish, Rui, Chitol, Puthi, Dry Fish..

Summer time, there would be some light  sweet and sour fish curry with seasonal veggies and we would also have the small fishes with some interesting spice mix..

Monsoon time, the fishes would change and so would the taste, the curries would be heavier intended to generate warmth. I remember having really exotic dry fish recipes which mom would make inspite of her heavy schedule of a 9-5 job. I have been ever so thankful for the same whenever I think of her..  When I was younger, I wanted her to make more fancy stuff but what she has left me with is legacy enough… and no one knows other than me how difficult it is to whip up a comfort meal which is nutritious tasty and well having variety.. Thanks Ma for that..

So anyway, winter was a time of fatty fishes..  and Boal Fish.  This fish has a lot of fat and is extremely tasty.   And I have had some really mouth watering recipes back home..

So well coming back to present, when I saw this Boal today, all the memories came back… and though I did not have the opportunity to  take recipes from Mom, I cook them up from taste and from what I used to remember helping mom and of course my aunts’ recipes..

Its funny how something so mundane… as a particular fish can infuse the memory bank with color of memories and forgotten tastes and the feel of winter.. back home in Shillong..  the home that was…

Sigh… so here I was re cooking a memory trying to recreate the same feel and it felt good..  the association was so warm….

And just yesterday evening, I was like looking up at the stars and asking the universe… ” how much longer ?? ”

And today connecting with the weaves  of the past, I felt alright again.. rooted, and the push to move forward..

Interesting… how we can associate with some really deep triggers and make lemonades of the lemons I am getting.. haahaha

Well when one waits for an auspicious beginning, to anything, getting sick is one of the last options that one would want to have.. but there you have it.  Viral seems to be the flavor of the week. Man, I feel older than I am.. LOL… being sick actually does that one I think.. really magnifies your age and tells you where you stand… LOL….

I have been cooped up inside the house for the past 3 days and well as I was talking to one of my team members, she gave me an interesting perspective…with which I think I am sticking with..

She says that if we finish with the bad then the good comes later… hahaha.. very optimistic way to look at and well cheered me up.

I am always grateful for such nice souls in my team.. simple, straight and encouraging and practical..

So I spend my time, catching up on my reading…

Seriously… I was going through some content and stuff like

Rani Mukherjee  put on more flab… 

No Entry in Bigg Boss Finale.. 

I mean I do try and follow up with current events but these useless content actually overlaps the actual news like inflation, food prices, petrol hikes, etc..

Anyway, this is not new… even news channel nowadays has breaks like those serial breaks… and the wierdest ad I saw was of the yruhere.com yet another spiritual guru spouting answers to our existence and promises deliverance..

twitter world is interesting.. I find, following the right news network or people, I do get some worthwhile content to read.. Jai ho.. for small mercies..

So anyway, you can see, my brain is fuzzed up with nonsense…

Missing work... but cant do much when my whole being feels like jelly..

felt good to just ramble…

A good time to contemplate I guess..  lets think of something positive..

Barbecuing is one of the latest fads that I am seeing everywhere. We also brought in the new year with barbecuing fish… came out well. Now I am tempted to get one for ourselves… ok putting it down in my wish list.

Partying after a long time, felt good… Wheee… looking forward to the next one in Bihu if all is well… thinking of making something special… lets see…

So on stuff that I plan to do this year.. its an imaginary list.. mind you… just making it up as it goes.. ( keeping in mind my jelly like brain in mind)

1. Read up more.. Due to my ill health, have gobbled up books like mad… as TV or net gives me a headache.. So will do more..
2. Maybe start on writing the book that I have been thinking about.. now it seems like an option, when I am at work, all of this is like the last thing on the mind.. sigh..
3. Buy Gilmore Girls DVD set… Hehe.. I have been meaning to buy that.. but kept putting it on the low priority list of purchases.. ( being the good girl and trying to save)
4. Follow Donna Hay who is the next queen after Nigella, love some of her recipes…
5. Am thinking of taking up baking seriously… all sugar free options… will need some time for that… lets see…
6. be healthier… bring down my sugar beyond needing meds to control.. yeah.. .
7. maybe getting out of facebook… its getting more and more useless.. besides..I think having the ability to connect to some really old friends… But really, is it all that great.. I am seriously thinking of using this page as my networking base…. thinking… how can i even keep networking simple.. ??
8. Take up some craft projects… maybe seriously take up painting… yeah I would like to do that… have been wanting to do this.. for a while and paint a Buddha…
9. Go to more unexplored places… have a list… which I want to visit..
10. Attend a wedding… hahaha… I have one coming up… soon.. and hopefully, I will have the opportunity to attend that.. I would like to.. get totally involved in all the rituals and bless the new couple.. and yeah buy some new dresses… oooohh I am feeling like a teen thinking about it… what to wear, etc.. hahaha
11. On a more serious note, have some interesting goals at work, which will make be go beyond and build some business.. yeah..
12. De clutter.. de clutter… some more.. The last year, I gave many books, clothes and stuff I usually hoard away… Rocks is also following the same… LOL.. he is an awesome hoarder… Hopefully, this year, he will be able to part with his old motorcycle parts which he kept hidden in weird spaces… If I search for books, I get an old brake shoe.. or a silencer when I am sorting my clothes…. My husband…. oh no… how can I forget my Dad… who can be called the king of hoarders… Sigh… Anyway, where was I ? yeah De clutter some more…  Live with minimum… as much as possible..
13. maybe get two more cockatiels… white ones…  I have my eye on them… they are so beautiful…
14. and yeah yeah POST/BLOG some more… how can I forget that… I love writing,…. I so miss writing…

ok so well…. thats all I have energy for today…

Maybe on a normal day, this post would look very silly… but I would like to remember this moment of silliness to remind me to get in touch with that side of myself…  its fun…

Yeah its fun when the brain is a jelly…. kind of lets me be me… hahahah

Well Hello Dear Blog and a very Happy new Year to you. Its been a while since I reflected here..  I was thinking I will make a postathon out of the posts that I have been meaning to write for the past few months. lets see how this goes.

The Year 2011, I Dedicate it to the Fool who has taught me so many wonderful lessons.. And I think I will carry this spirit through this year

The Fool is numbered 0, the number of unlimited potential, and does not actually have a specific place in the sequence of the Tarot cards. The Fool can come either at the beginning of the Major Arcana or at the end. The Major Arcana is often considered as the Fool’s journey through life and as such, he is ever present and therefore needs no number.

The Fool is shown at the beginning of his journey with unlimited potential. The sun rising up behind him represents the beginning of his journey. He is facing north-west, the direction of the unknown. He is looking upwards, toward the sky, or Spirit. He is about to step off a cliff into the material world but is he prepared? He has all the tools and resources he needs in the bag on his staff but he has not opened the bag yet. The white rose in his left hand represents purity and innocence. He has a guardian in the little white dog who will protect him throughout his journey but who will also push him to learn the lessons the Fool came here to learn. The mountains behind the Fool represent the realms of Spirit that he has just left and will spend his life trying to regain.

One of my main services is to work with people and people have taught me a lot this past year and a half…

Some of the worst lies that I had to listen to with a deadpan face. But I could not help laugh at their creativity.

” My grandmother is dying.. I need to get an early relieving letter as I have to visit her every weekend from Bangalore to Calcutta” and he professed that he could know me by reading my blog… I was left at wondering at his stupidity…

” I married a Hindu boy and my husband is scared that he will be converted to a Muslim and has taken a tranfser to run away from it all”

The words : “Trust me” !!! actually scares me now.. Hahahah !! After this one soul actually went on to do everything that is the anti-thesis of Trust me.. LOLOLOL…

The above topped the rest..of the bits..  Had some long posts on this on my mind.. but will keep it to this..

Really people, I think, its ok to be straight when one wants to leave the company… LOL… We have also left organisations without a murmur… and I remember telling

them the very truth that I wanted a change.. I mean how bad can it be ?

One of the worst interviews of the year, I have taken :

On asking about achievements :  ”Going to Kerela and getting drunk, passing out, looking here and there and here and there and thats it..”

On asking about his weakness : ” when I sleep I dont get up.. ”

On asking about what he does when he gets bored : “I watch parallel cinema” and the following explanation was equally wierd..

So peoples who are looking for a job, do come up with some intelligently honest answers.. it need not be perfect but it has to be related to your marketing yourself since the competition in the market is very strong… if you dont ace it, someone else will…
Sometimes, I also think that my life is like a movie… hahahah.. The more I avoid drama, the more it evolves around me.. Sheesh..

From being the victim of a conspiracy theory at work,  to being attacked in the form of a coup from some “intelligent aliens” who think I am some alien who they have to destroy… Sigh… I had it all in year 2011…

Karma is a bitch…. I think… and well I love this… What goes around, also comes around… and I am just an observer now..

But jokes apart… its been a very educating and a fulfilling year.. I must be grateful…

For  a wonderful team that I have today.  I love working with them.. Specially after all the  dirt has been removed… not by me but by themselves..

If intentions are good and your purpose is strong and serving your people,  and focussed on business, leadership is strong and un wavering… and all of it majorly because of the support of a strong, high achieving individuals , every 30 plus of them… who make every moment I spend at work… very enriching… I could not have overcome my challenges without their support… and for that I am thankful… and I hope I have their continued support…

Its easy being a manager but to be a leader… and that too without a title… is what I want to be….

Workwise, I feel I have grown in one year what I would have grown in 3 years.  So well no regrets only gratefulness…

2011 also saw me reflecting on my friends… some which I wanted to keep some which I wanted to just let go.. Like everything, somethings just are not meant to be… and no matter how hard one tries.. it is just ok to let it hang in that period of time where it is supposed to be…the memory is loved and respected… I felt this year that in many ways, moving on has finally a meaning..

I used to always think… what is so big deal about moving on… why cant I have my past as well as my present and create my  future… well, not with everything..

Today I know that to me is that what importance I gave in the past and what served me very well before does not serve me at all..

It sounds selfish when put like that… but in a weird way it makes sense..

Like in learning,  I started with learning COBOL.. and C and C++ and though I dont use the learning always stands me in good stead.. does not mean, I will start programming in COBOL…

So yes, I have some really good friends who I can reach out too for which I am grateful and resolved some questions of the not so really required souls… wishing them well and moving on… it feels free…

I cherish, the lunches and coffees with friends. I always feel empowered meeting like minded souls from whom I draw so much inspiration. I would love to have more souls like them in my life..  I do feel thankful for their presence … everyday..  good friends are always there… no questions asked… and that’s the most valuable thing I cherish..

On my spiritual journey, I thought 2011 taught me lesson via the very mundane… it was the keyword…. what I would not give  importance to made me use my focus on every small moments of thoughts and my inner focus had me observe the same with great interest… thus giving simplicity a new meaning..

Completed my NLP Master Practitioner Workshop finally. I was actually thinking, my silly requirements which needed to be fulfilled would not help me make it.. but it did.  I loved the learnings and its a beautiful technique, which I would like to explore more..

Tolerance was another lesson which I like to think I am learning.. And its nice being still and letting behaviours evolve around me and I focus only on what is the positive intention… thus finding the route of Karma as well.. If one sees the positive intention behind a particular behaviour, its easy to be compassionate and removes the feeling of judgement and ego and provides a very objective.understanding.. However, I realised this but practising this is not easy… but not impossible either…  The good part is that its easy to move on… with much more useful things in life..

Looking forward to discovering more and more and sharing the same here.. in this space this year. Have some objectives which I want to achieve. Hopefully it will be fulfilled..

And last but not the least, I am glad the last year, I spent minimum time online and maximum time offline..  In fact I am getting more and more detached with Facebook and Twitter and prefer rambling in my space..  maybe this would be the year, I would delete my Facebook account altogether..  LOL .. Social presence is not all great as its made up to be. I would like to be anonymous as well.

I achieved a lot of reading in 2011. In fact I think  I did a lot of that..  Its a different world I can escape to… anytime…

Loads of souls passing on the last year.. hope it will be better.. this year around..

Among many things, I think that it has been a very interesting year…

Looking forward to more writing and more reading…. and here I am …. opening my doors to opportunity… life… possibilities….creation… love…. compassion… wisdom… knowledge… joy…. contentment….

And my prayers for them in their next journey..

Jagjit Singh whose soulful voice took me back into different lifetimes and beautiful scenes and emotions.

Shammi Kapoor who would light up any ambience with sheer life..

Steve Jobs was a fascinating soul who I always used to observe from afar… following him online.. but the one which most touched me was his lecture to the students in Stanford University which says a lot of where his purpose was driving him and how.. It is so profound that his words have been echoing in the recesses of my mind for some time.

Couple of quotes which resonates within me very strongly.

You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Reminds me of The Buddha who I have grown to love and asimilate in essence… slowly.. at least attempting  to…

Death is the only permanent thing in life.. Everything else is temporary.. If you live well, you will die well…. Define your purpose and pave your path… it gives a very important push to align my priorities in order…

Sometimes, my close friends and loved ones ask me to compromise… and to do a certain thing in a certain way…

And I think to myself… if it was my last day… how would I do things… yep… that really makes me work with compassion and yeah measure on my compromise.. Compromise is not a best friend of mine… but I have a wary relationship with it..

So today I have been thinking on how we keep thinking of always “trying to do the right thing”

Again one of Job’s statements come to mind… to keep things simple.. which is more difficult than anything.. then its easy..

Many a times, I face aspects at job or life which leads me to many gray areas… and it still sometimes takes me sometime to get into a natural mode of doing the right thing.. I search now how to keep it as simple as possible.. even though the mind always likes to complicates things..

I still get stuck between either stimulus or response to stimulus.. and then have to step back to choose the in between path and respond from an objective self. I am trying to get that to a natural skill where I do not have to think too much..

Well, sometimes, we work in automation when we have to DO THE RIGHT THING when our value systems are in sync..

When I was a kid,  doing the right thing meant I had to be within boundaries.

All rules were laid out and well as long as my conscience  was fine, I was fine breaking it and that started my belief that Breaking Rules is a way of actually testing my own boundaries of how far I could stretch the concept of doing the right thing…  It was fun when I was a teen… I could get away with it.

But as I moved on, the lines blurred between rights and wrongs.. and the one way which drew the line was intense suffering which I had to go through due to certain actions or inactions… and maybe one would call them lessons in golden platter… but life.. its so wonderful, it has a speciality in serving more lemons when you made a lemonade of it…

So “doing the right thing” for me needs lot of consistence and commitment and yeah core belief alignment

Being in an organization : is determined by if I enjoy or love what I am doing… and bring in benefits and get benefits..

Being with someone : is determined by the fact if we exchange warmth, unconditional love and just pure sharing of selves… internal and external… all without validations.. or rules.. but just being in the moment together with lot of awareness…

Friends : definitely again based on value systems definition which makes the friendships stronger

So looking back, I now find that its very easy to do the right thing if one focusses on one’s core values…

What do you stand for ? What values do your represent and cannot do without ? Its very important…

That is an important factor which makes me quietly confident in being content with what decision I make… even if its sometimes the wrong one.. or a losing one..

My losses have always given me great gains… and today I reflect upon them..

• Willing to voluntary NOT get into medicine or engg like my many friends…. brought me to the wonderful world of IT and its possibilities, enabled me to push my limits.. 
• Quitting a self debilitating relationship which I thought was my lifeline, made me get into a worse possible relationship which actually shaped the woman in me and today, I am in a no compromise a relationship of choice.
• Quitting my first job because they would not pay me for the double role that I was playing.. was so painful since I had so many friends and security…  but it took me to a path of adventure of getting into a totally new technology and the world of encryption. 
• Layoff time, I see my friends getting laid off. And the way it was done, it was very unethical… at least thats what my value system said… And thinking upon it, without a job in hand, I quit… as it went against me to work for an organisation who would treat their employees in such a dispassionate manner…Specially when I asked if my name was on it and they refused to tell me anything about it..  that was it… it was a very quick decision… made with some nervousness but firmness… and yes where employees were given 2 month severance pay, I had to pay to get off the job… it was tough at that point but I don’t regret it. … And Lo and Behold !! I got a wonderful job where my learning curve knew no bounds… it was an amazing phase… that too when the stakes were totally down and recession time… 

There are many more striking points …. in different aspects of my life which kept telling me that as long as I was true to my values and beliefs, I was always going to do the right thing…

Even if it meant that I am losing everything at that moment… LOL… but the choice has to be always be a well accepted one…. Acceptance comes when one is in sync with one’s values…

Doing the right thing… Lets DO…. rather than talk more about it..  (still learning though)

I see you from afar and I am waiting in anticipation

It is playing hide and seek with me

It knows my weakness

it knows my strengths

It laughs at my strengths and slurps at my weakness and helplessless with a hunger that comes with fear.

I am tempted to feed it .. with my anger, vengenance, disappointment, hurt, anger, anger mostly…

Ah its waiting with open arms to swallow me whole.. and throw a minion of what is me.

A shaking quivering me which has no substance..

I see myself… as I could be..

I take a deep breath and I exhale out…

and I open up my arms… slowly…

I smile and I stretch… and I laugh now… silently but with amazing confidence..

I welcome the bitter bile of fear and jelly of helplessness

It rushes in … attempting to push me back

It rushes in rushes in… and I hold it just in time…

I say hello.. I see it puzzled…

I am not supposed to smile.. I am supposed to cower…

I pet it… I caress it… I hold its hand…

I say to it – Its OK.. its Alright..

It becomes small and a child… who needs my hand to guide it..

But thats a farce…

It tries to run behind me… and remains behind me,…

It runs ahead of me…

Attempting to grow bigger than me..

I dance with it and make it walk with me..

Once twice thrice… and a new path is formed…

After another round of push and pull…

I show its place.. its place is with me.. not ahead or behind me..

it paces with me… breaths with me…

It becomes my friend and walks with me..

I will teach it to appear when its needed, not when its not…

I know its importance… it has to know mine..

I show its purpose..  I accept its role in my life… But do not accept its rule.. I

It settles down… we breathe in together… we pace together…. we are one…

Fear… that is your place… be the cause of my strength not the cause of my sorrow…

@ Pallavi Baruah

Sometimes, I wonder, why is it so hard to be carefree… to do the things that I love.. and run after some MUSTs…

Maybe I lack the courage, maybe I am bounded by fear of the unknown… but I know there will be a time, very soon, this will also pass..

At present I am like a river flowing laboriously with lot of debris and would so like to flow quickly lightly rapidly playing around boulders before merging to the giant sea of consciousness…

And this blog just pepped me up which just made me pause and reflect AGAIN what gave me blissful joy in the most mundane manner..

Mundane is what I need right now.. rather than abstract..

What makes you smile?

A beautiful song, a lullaby, my birds, my Ma’s unintended jokes, a smile from someone, good food, a fond memory, memories and spontaniety..

What makes you lose time?

A good book, a song, conversation with close friends, walking down cobbled paths exploring new bits about a new place.. standing still by a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains, jewellery browsing, shopping, traveling.. the journey… listening to wisdom of the ancients,

What comes naturally to you?

Laughing, communicating, exercising influence, getting things done, being a woman, being me

What can’t you stop talking about?

Life, being alive, being in the moment, living in the present, beliefs, my fears and how I can overcome them.. how imperfection is the way to learn… and not wallow on it..

What are you really awesome at doing?

Anything that I love doing, the keyword here is love.. can be cooking, can be writing, can be communicating, can be counselling, can be managing, can be just being in the moment.

If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?

Write a book. Travel all over and write another book.. … and write more books..

What would you do for free because you love it so much?

Counsel women who are yet to make it…. be a coach.. teach..

If you had 12 months to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now?

Sell all my assets, travel more, meet all my friends, spend more time with my loved ones.. and slowly give away everything till I have nothing left… but the body…

Image via Wikipedia

Usually I keep this kind of post till the end of the year but heck I thought I should respect the swarm of events and respect the time and submit my surrender and dedication.

So I have been considering myself to be quite blessed I must say that even with all ups and downs, I have never had to step into a hospital for anything serious and I would keep praying that let that be so for as long as it takes. Oh what vanity I say I had an what a prejudiced way of looking at myself.

I always refer to my body as my temple but even as I say that I do know I give in to so many temptations of the palette and have overdone it so many times, knowing that my time will come and well when the time comes, I know I would have tasted all that was there.. without any remorse..

And by jove the time of reckoning has finally come.. and am glad in a way, its come sooner than I expected…. so that I can plan my exit better buhahahah !!! well I do want a smooth exit finally…

So where was I ? Dedication

Yeah, I dedicate 2011 to hospitals, medicines and all kinds of ailments, sprains, injuries, you name it…

So I bow down and surrender and accept that my body is a mere machine and it does start making you aware that life as I know it has to be lived with so much more awareness and thankfulness and every second is taking me closer to my final destination and the joy has to begin… with the whittling of self as I perceived it in my imagination. Not that I was unaware of it all, have been in and out of ailments but one at a time or a year but this beats it..

And I must thank the universe as it pushed me with various messages to start with it all.

So I abhor hospitals, needles, the wait , the tests, blood and the bit…

Interestingly, as you know with law of attraction, what one loves one gets and more than that what one fears also one gets..

Now, I think I have passed my examination… all that I hate have become my friends… close friends I must say

My fear of needles is gone as I get to prick myself and be pricked so many times that I welcome them as my best pals… LOL

Clinic 1 - well this is comfortable and the wait is very interesting if I take a book, find a corner to nap till my name is called. And also be like that still camera which takes in all that is going in and out.

Dalals who usher in rich shiekhs and their burkah clad wives for some or the other treatment.

A naughty child, Krishna,  who comes in with his pregnant mom and Dad. Dad has to run around behind the child. He peeps in near me and longingly looks at my phone and makes cute eyes at me just in the hope that I give him to play with it. When he is bored, he goes to the reception and starts picking up the phone there and says hello puts down the phone and then picks it up again. The father, exasperated just wants to be done with it yet has to keep him but Krishna is not in the mood to oblige.

The lab assistant, who is convincing someone on the other end of the phone why the blood tests are what it was and how she knows best.. Then preening about her knowledge to the juniors.

The receptionist who tells me that my own report is confidential .. GAWK.. I am like its my report and my body, my tests… so what is confidential about it.. and finally getting an answer that the doc will get the inside report… so that I can proceed… well thank god for small mercies..

The gentleman arguing about medical insurance… and then talking to his wife to get the papers which is missing from the cupboard and after half an hour of arguing and searching for it via the phone with the help of his wife, deciding to quit and go… in a huff since he will not get a discount..

All this while, yours truly, quietly observing and thinking.. its all temporary… and waits for her turn…

The end at one is worth it since the doc is really good.

Clinic – 2 

I get a notebook and a file. I feel like a child going back to school. Have to fill in my particulars all over again.. Do I get up in the middle of the night, do I have this, do I have that.. I do heave a relief that most of the questions are “No”.

Yet this is a tricky one.

So I wait and I wait and I wait and maybe an hour and a half later, inspite of an appointment, I get to meet this good doc, who seems to be very good. She comes highly reccomended. I notice that I have to take leave because it took up more than half of my day. I think maybe its because its my first time there.

I come back after 2 weeks and I wait and I wait and I wait and this time the wait is so long… I lose it… 2 and a half hours… and its dawning on me that this is a trend. I am not wasting another leave and reschedule and never mind the fact that I lost my way and spend another half an hour just finding the clinic which is just under the nose yet… when days are bad, they tend to be worse..

So next time I quickly adapt with some observation that some buttering and some nudging is required to get to see the doc early.. so I go in early, make sure I am there before many and finally have to wait maybe half an hour to talk to the doc..

observing myself I was going through the throes of rejection by the doc depression syndrome..  when I saw the ladies there ignoring my file since I gave all of them a piece of my mind the other day.. yet I am stoic and steady… telling myself that its all fine.. and I need patience..

Finally, the receptionist, asks me to go inside and sit. It almost brings tears to my eyes when I see the doc.. .. I never thought that getting to see the doc would bring such a relief..

Clinic 3 

I rush to this eye hospital and as instructed by Rocks, I stand in the queue fill in my forms and since I have been here before with my Dad, for his operation, I am ok with the scene. I wait and wait till my name is called. My name is called and I am taken in… and when they know I have contact lenses, they ask me to open it and wait for another half an hour.. I am like… why did you not tell me this before… I am getting pissed slowly  but I smile and i do it.

I am blind as a bat without my lenses and I curse my inability to see.. after I remove my lenses, wishing that I wore my spectacles inside.. .but I had to do this.. so I wait and read my book.. I can read without my lenses, thank God for that.. so as I am going deeper into the plot,  turning off the crowds, irate patients, etc.. and an excited Bengali patient pointing at the TV and commenting on the bear who is climbing up a pole and is stuck there.. some Animal Planet stuff and I smile at her amusement.. Humor always makes me feel good..

I get called finally by the intern and I get the sight tests done and my power is the same … so I feel another relief…

Finally I get to wait for a while before I meet the doc… the same one who operated on my dad’ s eyes and she is talking about dilating my pupils…

NOOOOOOOOO !!! I realise my folly. I have driven by myself and I have to go cook for Dad and with Dilation, I will be stuck for like another 5 hours without anyone to drive me back….

this after 3 hours.. I tell the doc my predicament and reschedule.. which I have not met out of sheer unwillingness to get into the hospital again..

Clinic 4

I sprain my wrist picking up some heavy vegetable bags and walking through smelly slushy vegetable market…. YUCK I so hate it.

And wake up to an excruciating pain… knowing that I have to go to the hospital YET AGAIN.. And I am not able to move it at all. I fear something is broken as the pain is unbelievable..

I expect something similar, wait, wait then do some tests then wait…

BUT VIOLA !!! I must say this was a smoothie.. and it made me happy.. I sailed into emergency, got an attendant Geeta who bless her soul, took me very speedily to the X RAY dept and got me quickly to the attending ortho.. and in a jiffy I have a splint and me feeling much better..

Clinic 5 

Since I was having a good day, I decide to go to my favorite Dentist.. I had a broken tooth.. but was scared that I had to do another root canal which was like I did not want to revisit until sometime… but the result was just another filling and some clean up..

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Points to ponder 

• i would really like to thank the souls who have been very encouraging via emails, via chat, via just one word…… who have been consistently showing me the positives even when I fell through the cracks of helplessness.. but it helped to ever hear the encouraging nudge and to keep at my belief that all things are temporary and it all has a positive result at the end of the day.. 
• I know even though I like to think I am strong but I hate being sick and words of encouragement really helps me go the extra mile. 
• Rocks has been my pillar and could not have done without him.. muaaahhh to you… 
• its always nice to share, am not one to share my downs… except with the very few.. but that very few made my day… its nice to share.. without prejudice…  
• It has pushed me to live more consciously and welcome this with lot of acceptance and the will to live free of this.. at the same time.. some Huna here and some positive visualisation here.. helps me go forward.. 
• Because of this, the sloth in me has disappeared completely and its not me but my small family who are getting fitter with me.. 
• Morning walks with Dad and Rocks is the best time of the day.. Walks, meditation, ground me and keeps me light… I love the bonding time. 
• Food is still a favorite but I eat with more awareness.. I gorged on the beautiful bday cake and I am ok… buhhahaa !!! 
• My food preferences have changed for the better… 
• And my reading has picked up speed. I finished 4 books this whole period.. and 2 more to go… The best part of this is that its reconnected me to the world of words and stories which I so love.. 
• I am glad for the whole experience since its with prevention, that I will know how to lead a good life.. and then have a smooth death.. ( remembering mom here ) 
• And I remember all my friends who were fighting some battle of the body/health in some way or the other and appreciate their resilience and patience and the perseverance. All their thoughts make my experience very inconsequential and I am humbled… and even though I have always respected their stand and have supported them, I do so even more now…  I pray for them even more now… its an immensely internal experience and it needs lot of fortitude.. 
• its a phase we all have to go through… and how we do it matters, what lessons we learn matters, because there is a lesson in all experience.. patience, tolerance, the whole bit…  
• I am so glad now that I got to do all this now… when my bones are still holding me up… ( touch wood !!! ) so though I am not looking for more,… have enough to deal with on my plate, I would say, that if I can breathe smoothly, sleep peacefully, and eat with care, I am going to be ok for now…
• I know not what the future brings but I know, the present is what I need to take care… moment to moment to moment  

Image via Wikipedia

Today I felt like writing a Thank You post. I have read and experienced that when one goes through acute situations in life where one is tested from all aspects be it work, daily routine, people interaction, decision making and so on and basically having a hot date with Mr Murphy who does not want to let you go.. .:) it is very good to just count the blessings that one has rather than keeping thinking what one lacks or what could have been. It always helps bringing in a shift in perspective..

So I thought, besides keeping an objective and almost clinical approach to close my items one by one, I would also like to spend some moment being thankful for what I have.

Thank you for showing that it is important to appreciate your co-workers at the right moment.

Thank you for giving me the clarity to take some tough decisions and stick by it no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Thank you for enabling me to focus on what needs to be done NOW and then move on.

Thank you for enabling me to tolerate nonsense at its lowest level.

Thank You for opening another door for me when one closes its entry and exit  options.

Thank you for enabling me to be compassionate towards infinite stupidity and accept the fact that every behaivor has a positive intention.

Thank you for letting me be human enough to understand that I can be wrong about managing my finances and enabling me to make plans for the better.

Thank you for having me open to many options.

Thank you for making S very happy with the good news that she shared with me. I am so thrilled for her, I can swim in the seeds of joy she shares with me. Wish I was with her.. to hug her.. tight and see her grow into another phase.

Thank for my other friends’ happiness from their journeys outside and in. M and A you are in my thoughts always.. and I am happy to see you happy.

Thank you for giving me the resources in the form of mentors or messages which guide me towards the right direction.

Thank you for the bright garden which is blooming in frenzy all up to grow fast and providing nutrition.

A special thank you for the pink rose plant who is so happy blooming in so many buds so fast that it automatically makes be joyful with its beauty every morning.

Thank you for warming my face with your rays, dear Sun. I love to wake up to your serene rays. I do miss your journey, from one end to another which I always looked forward to.. due the many apartments, but I still can spy you and can bask in your light. It enlivens me so…

Thank you dear rains for bringing in the monsoon steadily and not flooding my basement… its been a good couple of rainy days where I can freely enjoy the pitter patter.

Thank you for so many dear friends who connect to me fleetingly or just by a wave.. an online “like”, a message, a comment, its warms me so much..

Thank you for making me wake up with hope that I am getting better and better at everything I do with every moment.

Thank you for letting me live in compassion, with just the right amount for everyone who needs it.

Thank you for not letting me bawl like an emotional idiot when I have had the urge to.

Thank you for having my Dad remember my Mom through my way of living. Its as if, subconsciously, he sees some of Mom’s qualities in me and that gives him a comfort level. I am humbled when he says I am like my mom. And here I was, thinking I am different as apple to orange when it came to my mom. I was so wrong and I wear the reference to my mom with me with quiet pride. If it makes him smile, I am living my purpose.

Thank you for looking after R who is going through bone cancer recovery and the news is not that great. I am thanking you in advance for taking care of her. Nothing doing, you have to take care of this soul.. she has suffered enough.. give her life.. and happiness.. she deserves it too…

You give me hope, you give me life, you give me breath, I thank you being there with me… always.. ever more, I know I am not going to lose touch with you ever… ..