Thoughts « Point of Reflection

Thank You

by Pallavi Baruah

Image via Wikipedia

Today I felt like writing a Thank You post. I have read and experienced that when one goes through acute situations in life where one is tested from all aspects be it work, daily routine, people interaction, decision making and so on and basically having a hot date with Mr Murphy who does not want to let you go.. .:) it is very good to just count the blessings that one has rather than keeping thinking what one lacks or what could have been. It always helps bringing in a shift in perspective..

So I thought, besides keeping an objective and almost clinical approach to close my items one by one, I would also like to spend some moment being thankful for what I have.

Thank you for showing that it is important to appreciate your co-workers at the right moment.

Thank you for giving me the clarity to take some tough decisions and stick by it no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Thank you for enabling me to focus on what needs to be done NOW and then move on.

Thank you for enabling me to tolerate nonsense at its lowest level.

Thank You for opening another door for me when one closes its entry and exit options.

Thank you for enabling me to be compassionate towards infinite stupidity and accept the fact that every behaivor has a positive intention.

Thank you for letting me be human enough to understand that I can be wrong about managing my finances and enabling me to make plans for the better.

Thank you for having me open to many options.

Thank you for making S very happy with the good news that she shared with me. I am so thrilled for her, I can swim in the seeds of joy she shares with me. Wish I was with her.. to hug her.. tight and see her grow into another phase.

Thank for my other friends’ happiness from their journeys outside and in. M and A you are in my thoughts always.. and I am happy to see you happy.

Thank you for giving me the resources in the form of mentors or messages which guide me towards the right direction.

Thank you for the bright garden which is blooming in frenzy all up to grow fast and providing nutrition.

A special thank you for the pink rose plant who is so happy blooming in so many buds so fast that it automatically makes be joyful with its beauty every morning.

Thank you for warming my face with your rays, dear Sun. I love to wake up to your serene rays. I do miss your journey, from one end to another which I always looked forward to.. due the many apartments, but I still can spy you and can bask in your light. It enlivens me so…

Thank you dear rains for bringing in the monsoon steadily and not flooding my basement… its been a good couple of rainy days where I can freely enjoy the pitter patter.

Thank you for so many dear friends who connect to me fleetingly or just by a wave.. an online “like”, a message, a comment, its warms me so much..

Thank you for making me wake up with hope that I am getting better and better at everything I do with every moment.

Thank you for letting me live in compassion, with just the right amount for everyone who needs it.

Thank you for not letting me bawl like an emotional idiot when I have had the urge to.

Thank you for having my Dad remember my Mom through my way of living. Its as if, subconsciously, he sees some of Mom’s qualities in me and that gives him a comfort level. I am humbled when he says I am like my mom. And here I was, thinking I am different as apple to orange when it came to my mom. I was so wrong and I wear the reference to my mom with me with quiet pride. If it makes him smile, I am living my purpose.

Thank you for looking after R who is going through bone cancer recovery and the news is not that great. I am thanking you in advance for taking care of her. Nothing doing, you have to take care of this soul.. she has suffered enough.. give her life.. and happiness.. she deserves it too…

You give me hope, you give me life, you give me breath, I thank you being there with me… always.. ever more, I know I am not going to lose touch with you ever… ..

Blog Thoughts

No Comments »

Sunday rambles

by Pallavi Baruah

I like lazy Sundays sometimes where I am just pottering about doing my own thing and yeah taking naps, reading books and yes writing. Weekdays dont leave me in a mood to write sometimes, so well, a post has been brewing up for a while but have not been able to put it down to words.

Sometimes, its moments in seconds which bring in inspiration and sometimes, its a looping of a long term event.

Anyway, after my Dad came in to visit with us for a while, I decided I will take advantage of his green thumb or green fingers and try experimenting with a kitchen garden.

I have always been somewhat wary of putting down roots but I guess with age, roots are something which comes by automatically.

So I planned this garden with Dad asking him to get me seeds from his garden in Assam. My Dad can grow anything he touches. Its magic.

I have been working with some flowers and with him, I had him plant some spinach and local bokchoy. And well, it has grown like a mini forest blooming with the attention that my Dad gave giving it organic manure, decomposed veggies, eggshells, you name it. Its like every morning they have a conversation with me and Dad when we water them.

So today, with pride and contentment, I prepared a course for the first time with totally with hand grown spinach from my kitchen garden and it took me to my chidhood days in Shillong where we had a massive vegetable garden as well as a flower garden and there were many veggies and greens which could be just plucked and used. And it was so healthy and tasty. I would watch my Dad lovingly labor around in the garden, tending to the growth and well, the result was just magic. For me that was normal.

Today its magic, humility, thankfulness. Its something I miss.

I would always avoid anything extra which would entail me to be at home for a period of time and not be able to travel and do stuff without worrying about back home.

Now, I have birds who I cannot imagine life without, and my plants, which I am wondering, how in the world I will manage when Dad goes back to Assam. Sigh.. I will check that when I get to it. For now, all my plants are vying for attention and its quite nice to just be with them, tend to them.. and see my Dad work with them… brings back lots of warm memories filled with abundance and security..

Putting down roots, yes, its a good thing, to be able to come back and grow, take care, and it feels good.

Childhood..

I like to think that I have gone from living in the past but sometimes, I so wish I was a child back again, where everything was taken care of and the only thing that I looked forward was to finish my comics. Yeah, its frustrating being an adult sometimes, when I am supposed to know everything and well be responsible for everything even when I am not. I am tired..

yeah, its been a while since I just spread out my hands, and flew… with abandonment.

What is an ideal world for me ? I am still figuring out..

how would you want to define your ideal world ?

its not about responsibility but sometimes, its about being in a space where everything is just right..

And now it seems just when I get it right, there is something which will make it go the other way… have me question..

Ah….. childhood… such freedom… where all I had to think was comics or drawing or just practicing a song or just studying… well nothing is permanent… I do hope by the time I am done with this post, the thought also vanishes… to be replaced by the ever joyful expectation of moving forward with contentment…

Somewhere between rage and serenity ….. ( from X-men) …. I like being there….

Blog personal Thoughts

No Comments »

A difficult time

by Pallavi Baruah

: Image via Wikipedia

Durga Puja is a time, which I always look forward to. Its a time which I associate to get back to my roots and generally always feel happy to be with the divine mother.. I can spend hours sitting looking at her beautiful face and swinging inside to the Dha (drums) but this year, I am missing out on Puja as I am still in mourning and just when I thought that I would be ok, I was blasted with little memories of Ma and Durga Puja and my heart broke.

I remember Ma being very involved in Puja. Right from Mahalaya, she would make sure I got up early and we would hear the Chandi Path over the radio and welcome the day with devotion. Then, as she would go about her daily routine chores, she would tell me stories of Parvathi and Shiv and how Durga would come to visit her parents place and the story behind it.

All the activities associated with Pujo, shopping, offerings for the Devi and till the last day, it would be my mother’s time. Me and my Dad and my aunts would just follow her instructions. Dad being a non idol worshipper would support her and make it happy time for her. Special dishes would be prepared at home till the time she was active in the kitchen..

So many memories, so many impressions, so many conversations, the past few days have been a tough walk down memory lane and specially feeling the void since she is being missed a lot, as she always initiated the puja spirit. And it was as if we rode the wave of her devotion.

Its like a movie for me, every moment passing by in frames and when the movie ends, the void that leaves behind is so vast that I keep sinking into it… without much hope of getting out of it..

Guess thats natural and another human condition… and its diffcult.. so much so that I am wishing the Pujo passes by soon…in a blink..

I thought writing down would help me out a bit and hence this blog post…

I also believe, I have to be in this experience as its part of the grieving process… and its not something I can run away from.. so here I am… swimming, reaching out.. to the shore… and knowing she is there right beside me… smiling.. and prodding me on… telling me that its ok… its fine…its part of living.. its part of Maya.. its part of growing…..

personal Thoughts

2 Comments »

Rightu or Leftu ?? Where

by Pallavi Baruah

Well, pardon the pun… but staying in Karnataka for so many years…. the phonetics have grown on me.. and I am not ashamed to use it when I converse local Kinglish..and when I visit back home I have seen myself eagerly surfing Kannada channels to feel the familiarity an safety when I hear the language and the phonetics.. I know it should be the other way round but there you go..

So well…this post is all about adapting to change…. in my own way..

One of my friends had advised me sometime back that wherever I am, I should not grow roots… but hey guess what… being in a place for almost 5 years, roots with regard to logistics and locations have grown on me and its taking me time to walk the present path…

Its so true that when one lives in a certain condition, you whole being adapts to the same. In a new land and a new country even though sometimes its strange, after a while, the very strangeness which you would wonder at would become your identity… or give you the feeling of belongingness..

This is what happened to me .. which threw me asunder as to what was going on with me..

Pallavi driving to office and though the new work place is nearer and the route easier, she inevitably takes the old route to her old office and for no reason whatsoever, she keeps doing this many times…specially when she is thinking of tasks to do at work and planning the same while driving …. suddenly she always sees herself in a place which is far away from her present work and very near her old workplace… and frustration mounting, she has to reroute herself back…. wasting precious moments… GAH

Pallavi goes to office.. and typically when nature calls,

Day 1 : she runs to the loo.. usually its at the last minute… so run run run…. and bang !!!! she opens the door to the men’s loo and rushes right in… and IMMEDIATELY backtracks…

Day 2 : she again runs to the loo.. so run run run…. and bang !!!! she opens the door to the men’s loo and rushes right in… and IMMEDIATELY backtracks…

And she tries and tries not to do that.. Pallavi is careful.. Day 3 goes fine…

Day 4 : runs to the loo… so run run run…. and bang !!!! she opens the door to the men’s loo and rushes right in… and IMMEDIATELY backtracks…

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am thinking.. there is something wrong with the neurons in my brain… and I get it.. its the bloody neurons..

Like I learnt and noticed things which you do repeatedly, it becomes an automated path which the brain just does not think but its like a switch which just gets triggered and the body just functions… without thinking..

So for the route, I now plan the route in my mind before starting out.. and I try to be aware and take the right one.. I know that if I do not create this path consciously, I will keep making mistakes..

Bathroom : Well, in my old workplace, the entrance to the ladies section was in the direction of the men’s section in my present workplace.. hence the confusion.. so again, I try not to do the last minute bit and go when I have to go and save myself any corporate embarassment.. ( Sheeesshh) :)

Moral of the story : Be aware of yourself and catch yourself automatically saying and doing things which has no context or prevalence on the present situation.. create new paths of thoughts which is fitting to your current path and you will be surprised to find that the old paths of habits are just lessons and need not be the solution to your everyday growth.. sometimes its good to leave the past beliefs behind..

A new social network : Moooooooooooshhh !!

Pallavi walks into the medical shop to buy supplies..

A BIG BLACK COW (taller than her) with beautiful eyes also walks with her… and it so happens she stops when Pallavi stops.

She looks at me with her beautiful eyes and very softly and huskily says.. Mooosshhh !!!! as if she was asking me something.

Pallavi is conversing with the medical shop guy, and then again, the cow specifically addresses her : Mooooosshhhh!!

Pallavi surprised at this.. replies back : “hello there… what do you need in her own way “

The cow again softly says Mooooosshhhh!!

Pallavi finds it cute and goes back to the immediate task of giving the money for the meds she buys..

The shopkeeper now finds the cow a bit irritating because its blocking his street.

So knowing Pallavi as a regular customer to buy this and that, he asks her politely:

Madam, DOES THE COW KNOW YOU..????

Pallavi is like WHAT !! Maybe sometimes she gives too much importance to semantics.. But there was a pause before she replied..(did she KNOW this cow ??? Nope, never saw her or talked to her or said hello before.. )

And he goes again politely.. :No Madam if you know each other, I will not chase her..

Pallavi cooly smiles and says, No She does not know the cow, thank you. She just likes animals.. LOL and tells the cow to go her way.. and the cow actually turns gently away and goes her way. I cannot forget her beautiful eyes.. She was sorry she could not help her.. she knew the cow was asking her something ( go figure !!)

Rocky tells me that cows back home do this to humans to ask about their babies.. its natural.. So I rest myself.. thinking … oh very well, I did not know where her babies were.. but I definitely did not KNOW the cow.. buhahahaha !!!!

Moral of the story : You dont have to KNOW any sentient being to be kind to them..

Buahahah !!!

personal Thoughts

2 Comments »

Friendship – the purest form of love

by Pallavi Baruah

: Image via Wikipedia

Today’s thought :

Friendship is not about how much we care when we are together, its about how much we care when we are apart

I have to say goodbye to one of my closest friend. And though at the very outset, I feel so happy she is migrating for something good… which I always thought she could realize, it still is tearing me apart from inside to feel the physical loss of someone with whom I connected so fast and had so many life experiences together..

Right from the day, she joined work as an intern, we had lots of laughs and from coffee pals, we became connected at some level.. a comfort zone was established..

I used to take some time to make close friends. In nature we are opposites but S and I would have tons to talk about and well, the bond grew.

I remember S not wanting to work at all and had this habit of coming in late.. no matter what, her timing was very leisurely and till date, if she gives me a time, I always add half an hour to it and we always have a laugh about it, me devlishly and she sheepishly.

I remember us brainstorming together on what career she should take up. And after some ideas, we found that she liked to bake the most.. And yeah she used to bake some heavenly chocolate cake. And slowly but surely, she trained in baking and built a business on her own, a very flourishing one I would say… she never lets me forget the fact that I finished her whole cake along with another friend.. which she had got for the whole office.. what can I say ? it was plain chocolate cake but it was heaven.. . I am the biggest fan of her bakes..

We did not meet everyday but once or twice a month sometimes more infrequently.. sometimes, we would ping each other at the same time.. and the bond was stronger than ever..

I changed jobs, she grew her business, and in that path, I also introduced her to the spiritual path that I walk.. and she also found her path.. and we walked… we walked… we shared.. and scaled challenging heights in our personal fronts always leaning towards each other.. at crucial points..encouraging each other.. to buckle up.. and no matter what, we always had and still have inexplicable faith in our Buddha nature.. I would say, it transcends our bodies and connects to lives we have led and the understanding that we have established over eons..

The best is that we could be our worst and darkest with each other… still giving each other the push that its ok to be dark,but its important to come out of it with lot of strength and determination not forgetting what we believed about our very reason for existence.No judgements there..

We had a ritual… that every birthday we will meet each other no matter what.., shower each other with silly gifts and have some us time… no matter what.. and make each other feel special.. I will always remember her going to pains to choose a card and then writing lots of thoughts on it.. I treasure each thought that was sent to me.. every year.. and I did the same since we both knew what it meant to personalise the card with one’s thoughts.. and well wishes..Oh how I will miss that.. !! and yes I would always get a cake customized to my wishes.. and since I loved blueberry cheese cake, she would indulge me with that as well every now and then…

I saw her going from a non vegeterian to vegeterian.. and I kept ranting and tempting her with non veg delicacies and out of love she would give in and very soon, I would turn vegeterian when I was with her..

Her marriage came and went and she crossed over from being this free and fancy girl into a beautiful woman and throughout it all, she maintained the quality time with me..

Now the relationship matured.. and it has been beautiful seeing her grow her wings.. and though she does not want to admit it, I see her flying so high..

I will miss the impromtu calls which would lead to endless coffee sessions… and loads of soul searching and finding answers… and balance.. be it bitchiness, be it serious mistakes, tragedy, comedy, broken relationships, marital dramas, hubby understanding, and all that we call life..

I will treasure the fact that whenever I would feel low, she was always there to pick me up, unconditionally and I tried the same with her..

At a humorous note, I sometimes have the urge to see movies, which have no brains.. and she would loyally tag with me to those movies… she would curse me but she would come along.. Muaahhh I loved her for that..

And the most beautiful part of her is her generosity and her art of giving.. which keeps humbling me.. and also taught me the art of receiving… she keeps telling me.. that I know how to give and I know not how to receive.. and yeah I am learning..

She is someone who has also kept me honest.. to myself and to us.. when the ego wanted to blame, she showed that to me… and I always looked forward to interact with her have my ego destroyed lovingly..

So many good memories.. so many layers .. of what we can easily label as the inevitable human condition and yet this is what we need at some level or other to be ourselves.. to be connected.. to some soul mate.. who brings balance into our lives .. and yes soul mates need not be just spouses… I see a soul mate in my friend..

And I will so miss her presence..I think I could just skim the surface of my emotions in the attempt of writing this.. I have not done justice to it..

I feel incredibly blessed that I have known her and I do hope to keep this stream till my last breath.. the world has become very small..

I have immense happiness and immense sadness at the same time, and I am ok with it.. and yes emotions have been running like waves.. inside me… always does when I have to uproot rooted connections.. and let it out of my space of existence..

Yet another example of impermanence.. and life moves on..with purpose… and hope that this also sits well with me..